RESPONDING TO A STORY

When a person comes to the place of finding a safe place to tell their story, we must consider the story a gift that is given tentatively. Years of silence, harmful responses, and fear of being the cause of the abuse have kept the story buried. Once a person tells their story they usually will experience shame/feeling exposed/or naked. As group members and leaders we can “reclothe” the nakedness through appropriate responses. Also, we need to remember to stay in our heart when we are listening. If we have told our own stories and grieved over losses we will be able to connect emotionally with others. Following are some categories in which to think in to cover the shame, validate their pain, and regain their dignity.

1. We need to move towards people in shame. This is the picture that the Lord gives us in relationship to Adam and Eve in the garden, Moses in exile, and Peter who had gone fishing after the resurrection of Christ.

2. We want to cover that shame with their true identity: A person of worth who has been harmed.

3. We need to remember that our silence will usually be interpreted as if they have done something wrong. This heaps more shame on the story teller.

4. We need to listen for door openers: “I didn’t tell because I knew I wouldn’t be believed.” That is a great thing to respond with, “I believe you.”

As we listen we are looking for where the pain is, the anger, the tears, the confusion. Listen for feeling words: afraid, angry, scared, sad, etc. Speak into what you see and hear.

5. We can ask ourselves some questions to help form good responses.

· What does this person need from me at this point?

· How can I show that I still respect them?

6. The person needs to know they have been heard.

7. Try to connect with the story and speak from your heart to tell what you are feeling about what happened, about the abuser or the abused. If you are speechless, stunned, overwhelmed and are not ready to speak from your heart, you can simply say that and promise to respond more later. If you really relate, you can say so, but stay on their story for now.

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8. Our responses should not cover the whole story. Let the group speak into different parts of the story. Someone needs to remind the story teller; “It was not your (their) fault.”

9. Our responses should make it safe for them to tell more of their story later. Be aware that this will probably be even more difficult.

10. Please avoid:

a. Saying too much

b. Saying nothing

c. Quoting verses

d. Asking questions other than for clarification. This takes them out of their hearts and into their heads. Also any question can snowball into more questions hence more shame. Wait until later to clear up questions.

e. Pat answers

f. Drawing attention to yourself or your own story at this point

g. Processing their story or asking for more.

h. Telling them how you think they should feel.

i. Saying the same thing to each person: ie, I am sorry that happened to you.

j. Getting them to stop crying.

11. As a responder, remember that you as a believer can represent Christ to the person and bring His comfort, truth and grace. Be Jesus in skin rather than talk about Him.

12. Be remembering things for future processing. For example:

Be curious about what is not talked about. Why did she/he skip over ___________?

Was there any feeling displayed as evidence of owning the story emotionally?

If I had been your father, mother, brother, sister, what would you have wanted from me? (Looking for what the person longed for)

Who was strong for you? (Looking for what a person does with abandonment.)

Let the person know that you realize there is more to the story and you will wait for them to tell the rest so you can really know them.

One way to talk about responding is to say that we have lived in silence all of our lives; not heard, not affirmed, not believed. We don’t want to do that to you now. When members start asking questions or binging stuff back to themselves, we need to be the ones to step in. Maybe we will be the first ones to protect tem in that way. If someone brings it back to themselves and starts giving details to their own story, this is a hard place sometimes to redirect. Without shaming them you could say, “you have just shared something in y our story that obviously has been stirred up and I want to respond to that but for right now, what do you want __________ to hear about their story.

If someone wants to pray for that person, ask them to share what it is they are wanting them to believe about themselves and put it in their own words from their own heart. This is another way to be Jesus to someone rather than talking about Him.

“Only about 7 percent of communication is conveyed through words. The rest we read between the lines in the form of expressions, gestures, vocal inflection, the general energy people give off--in a word, their presence. To communicate well, it is more important to watch what people say, to feel what is being said, than to listen to every word. We must learn to hear with out eyes and heart.”

from: Practicing the Presence of People by Mike Mason