SESSION 9

PROCESS OF RECOVERY

GOALS

To present recovery as a process we are actively involved in and to highlight the stages that will be a part of that journey.

Look at the damage: break denial. Session 1-4 Need to be honest

Look at the ways we distance others. Session 5 – 8 Walk in repentance

Look at the ways we damage others. Session 10 –12 Learn to love

Recognize that change is possible as we learn to depend on the Triune Godhead and the body of Christ.

PREPARATION

Read The Wounded Heart, Chapters 10-13.

Read the Scriptures in this Lesson.

Teaching leader prepare to put your own story in the teaching time where it fits.

SMALL GROUP SESSION

Discuss the letters that were written about the damage done to others through our relational style and re-abuse of others and ourselves.

SOME COMMON WAYS TO DAMAGE OTHERS

Female:

Failure to be open with others

Unresponsiveness

Fear of intimacy/withholds/isolates/superficial involvement

Fear of anger

Emotional deadness

Failure to love one or more of her children or husband

Use anger to push others away

Male:

Failure to move into chaos/or moves too strongly

Fails to pursue others to love, validate and bless

Blameshifting; fear of accepting responsibility for failure/ mistakes

Hides in areas of competency (work, sports, ministry

Avoids responsibility of leadership

Uses anger/harshness to control

Emotionally unavailable

SOME WAYS WE DAMAGE OURSELVES

Distorted body image

Living in self-contempt

Eating disorders

Failure to care for our own bodies

Distorted view of God: taskmaster rather than full of grace and truth

Failure to believe and receive God’s love

Refusing counsel and feedback from trusted people

Refusal to recognize harmful consequences of any addiction

Living out of a shame based identity

PLEASE HAVE MEMBERS ADD TO THIS LIST

SESSION 9

TEACHING TIME

WHAT DOES THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY LOOK LIKE?

One of the most important questions we can ask others and ourselves is how do people change, or what does recovery look like, or what does the Bible say about growth?

In II Peter 3:18, a disciple who failed Jesus by denying Him, trying to keep Him from the Cross, impulsively cutting an ear off a soldier, tells us we can become partakers of the divine nature. He knew from personal experience how the grace of God changed him. He calls this “growing in grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”

Key to change is growing, experiencing grace, and knowing Christ. This is a process.

A small group ministry, grounded in grace, is an ideal place to be given time to be heard, validated, see patterns that need to change, and be loved right where you are on the journey. Legalism demands righteousness through works. Grace embraces the sinner and loves them into repentance.

I (Sandy) was looking through some old Bibles that mark my journey in Christ. I had three in which I had written a dedication to each one of my daughters. In one I had written “This is the rule book. Trust and obey. (April l987)” I shook my head and wrote under it, “This is love letter from God to embrace and allow His love to change you.”I had learned something in those 14 years of being in small group ministries.

WHAT RECOVERY IS NOT

It is not just remembering everything or talking through every memory. (This is called catharsis). But your memories are important and need to be talked through with trustworthy people.

It is not just an event although there may be many times of enlightenment and change that opens the doors and windows for more light and a hastening of the journey.

It is not just about a deliverance from the evil one, although that may be apart of what needs to happen. You may need to confront the work of the enemy and his lies with the truth in order to be set free in certain areas in your life.

It is not just about praying harder and reading the Bible more. And of course those elements are very important in growing in grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.

It is not just confronting the abuser, forgiving the abuser and having a restored relationship with the abuser. This may happen in the proper time or it may be impossible given circumstances of death, denial or hardness of heart.

It is not a prescribed set of steps. But there are principles about our walk with God that will need to be looked at seriously.

RECOVERY MAY INCLUDE ALL OF THE ABOVE, BUT IT IS MORE.

PRINCIPLES OF RECOVERY

1. Come into the light and recover our identity in Christ

I John 1:5-10 John describes how to have fellowship with God. Abuse victims often feel alienated from the life of God, not realizing that they are the ones who are in hiding, not God. One of the damages of abuse is that our image of God, the Father is often distorted by abuse from authority figures. Abuse victims also hold distortions about who they are as well. God is Light and areas of unbelief about who God is and who we are will cause darkness. In the dark, we stumble, we are fearful; we are immobilized and can’t see what the problem is. As we come to the Light and tell our stories in community, dare to tell someone what we struggle with, He will shed light onto our wrong beliefs. These are strongholds that need to be cast down. Darkness is like denial. We just do not see our problems and sin clearly. We will find healing and change in the light.

Have you every asked, "Who am I?" The abuse victim has had to be whomever it takes to survive. One woman said,” I would get out of bed and test the atmosphere in my home and then I would become who I needed to be to make it through that day.” Little wonder she does not know who she is.

Also, people who are highly dissociate have parts who when they come into the light, don’t know who they are and what they are doing in this particular place.

Group is a place to affirm the dignity of the person we see in front of us. “You are a woman of integrity.” “You are a brave man.” “You are a wonderful loopy fun person.” “You are a spiritually mature person.”

2. Receive the ministry of the Holy Spirit

The Spirit of God lives in every believer and will use many avenues to pursue us. He wants to woo us to a deeper relationship with our Creator. He wants to correct us and wants us to experience grace and love. He does this through the Word of God and the people of God. He want us to know the breadth, the length, the depth, the height of the love of God (Romans 8:38, 39).

It is common for Christians to underestimate the healing power of community. Ephesians 4: 14-16 says, “As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves, and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him, who is the head, even, Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.”

Body ministry has been minimized for years in Christian circles. We tend to be afraid to speak into another’s life, but choose rather to talk about each other. Or we “hit and run.” In other words, don’t speak in love, just get it out there in the guise of being honest without considering the need to let love be the guide for how and when to speak.

When I (Sandy) found my voice in my marriage, it was uncomfortable for me and for my husband. l felt like my husband tried to break the mirror I held up. It was in small group that I was validated and given courage to speak the truth in love.

Do you feel angry and defensive when the mirror reflects that change needs to occur? If we want to change our angry defensive responses to words spoken to us we need to change our attitude to curiosity. Why did that person say that? Is there truth there? Am I in denial?

Am I grieving the spirit of God when I refuse to ponder feedback? Yes!

3. See the Lord as full of grace and truth (II Corinthians 3)

In this important chapter, the Lord begins by telling believers that they are a letter of Christ, written on their hearts by the Spirit of the Living God. This is compared with the giving of the law, which is a ministry of condemnation, written on stone by the hand of God. What a graphic picture: The law written on cold, hard, unchangeable stone. Contrast this with the new covenant, the gospel, written on warm hearts. It brings life.

The giving of the law was so glorious that Moses covered his face with a veil so others could not see his fading glory. The gift of righteousness in Christ is even more glorious, never fading and available when we turn from the old covenant to Him. Not only does the legalistic church makes rules for us to live by that are not God’s heart for us, but we make our own rules. We need to lift the veil of legalism. Some of the faces of legalism look like the following.

Perfectionism: Keeps me from being seen as a failure. If I can be perfect, then I don’t need God. Or, if I can’t do it right, I won’t do it. Thus the perfectionism lives in messes if he can’t do a perfect job of fixing them. He has standards for himself and others resulting in tension filled relationships. The Lord is the only perfect Holy One.

Obsessions: The focus is off the real problem and engages me in counterfeit fixing of perceived problems: hand washing, excessive bathing, lining things ups, counting things, cleaning things, ritualistic ways of doing things that give temporary relief and keep me from depending on the Lord in my chaos. The Lord is the God of peace

Demands that others change: A critical spirit says: I will relate to you if you change in this area. A person can use another’s failure or weakness as a reason why she won’t be involved with them. Thus, the critical spirit works to distance others. This keeps my eyes off my sin and on yours. We must deal with the “log” in our own eye first. The Lord is the only righteous Judge.

Control: Keeps us from pain and confusion, but we create pain for others and distance them, and fail to acknowledge that we need the love of Christ to control us (II Corinthians 5:14). The Lord is Sovereign Controller of all things.

Rules that are extra biblical: Provide me a false sense of righteousness if I can keep them, give me something to work on if I can’t and a way to compare myself and judge others who don’t keep the rules as less spiritual. Some of these rules are church rules: times to meet, what to wear, what Bible to read, music to listen to, where we can go and how to spend Sunday. The Lord saves through grace.

What are some of the rules you have made for yourself?

II Corinthians 3:16. “but whenever a man turns to Christ the veil is taken away” finds its primary meaning in turning to Christ for salvation, giving up law keeping as a means of righteousness. However, even the believer has pockets of resistance where the above rule keeping is preferred rather than allowing Christ to control, to be Lord.

II Corinthians 3:17 The Spirit of the Lord sets us free from the bondage of the law.

II Corinthians 3:18 is a key verse: But we all, with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

We all with unveiled face: Come out of hiding as in Chapter 4:2-6 where we are all called to “renounce the things hidden because of shame.” The glory of God is seen in the face of Christ. As we turn to Him in repentance, we put away shameful ways of relating and living. Thus transformational change comes through the heart being open to engagement with Jesus Christ as the Lord.

Beholding in the glass: There have been mirrors held up to you that said you were worthless, dirty, stupid, ugly and trash. This attack on your dignity as an image bearer shows itself as shame that now clouds the mirror of God’s Word. A small group that is open, where honesty is value and denial is broken, lets us see the truth in the Word about ourselves and about who Christ is. Good people in our lives are also mirrors who speak into our life the beauty they see and call out the goodness of the redeemed person. They also show us how our depravity is affecting relationship with them. This is the health-producing ministry of the body of Christ.

The glory of the Lord: When we see Him as He is, not the distorted view that came from abusers, His kindness will lead us to repentance (Romans 2:4). Often this happens through people who offer us the grace of God in the midst of our sin and shame. Or, God simply meets us with a personal revelation of His love and grace through His Holy Spirit. He often verifies this experience through His Word later.

Are changed: This is the work of God

Into the same image: We become like Him. We are not an object to be used, but rather a person to be enjoyed.

From glory to glory: Change takes place in stages, step by step.

By the Spirit of the Lord: The Word, the Spirit and the living God are all involved in the process of change.

Be serious about the effects of shame on your view of God. Let others point out to you when they see shame raise its head, when you fail to receive their validating words, or words that expose our sin. Whatever keeps you from turning to Christ is keeping you in bondage. Let the Bridegroom (Jesus) raise the veil so He can kiss you.

4. Realize your helpless state: be honest in community and with God

God gives grace to the humble (James 4: 6-10). Humility includes opening up to others about your struggles, your secrets and your sin. It also includes mourning and grieving over past abuse and present sinful ways of relating. James 5: 13-16 speaks of healing taking place as believers confess their sins to one another and pray for one another.

One SALTS participant wrote this: “I am amazed the impact that the ministry had on me. For years I obtained all types of counseling with very little results. I would see temporary change in my life, but always felt something deep inside was terribly wrong with me. Prior to SALTS, I went through the program one on one with a friend and thought I was ready to lead a group. I was shocked at my reactions when I got in group. I felt very threatened. I thank God that my leaders wanted to love me despite my toughness. God used them to touch a very deep longing to be loved by my mother. God used the group to help me look at shame. Thanks for creating a safe place for the wounded to become children again. The ministry impacted me in so many ways. I have also learned to play, again.”

5. Expect failure, struggle, suffering and spiritual warfare as part of the normal Christian life.

All of these bring pain. We need to be willing to invite others into these painful areas of our life and allow the grace of God to flow through His people to you. If you are in a place where failure, struggle and suffering are viewed as merely sin to be confessed and forsaken or denied and hidden, then you are not in a healthy environment. Search until you find a place of grace. Find people who know how to pray against the work of the enemy and enlist them for this season of recovery.

Remember I Peter 4 and 5 where the Lord reminds us that the fiery ordeal, sufferings, and revilings are places to entrust our souls to the faithful Creator. God uses struggle and warfare to perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish us. (5:10)

Years ago I was thrust into spiritual warfare by God. In His wisdom He allowed this at a time when I knew enough scripture to have a weapon against the enemy. He connected me with two people who could show me how to war and who faithfully walked with me until I was equipped. The Lord gave me this promise in Luke 22:31, 32: “ Simon, Simon, Satan has desired to have you to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you that your faith fail not. And when you are turned around, strengthen the brethren”. I now know that this two year period was my school to teach me about warfare. It was years before I could honestly be thankful for that educatory time in my life. It felt like death, not life.

6. Open your hearts to one another

Healing, encouragement and growth come through heart connections with God and others. Many people have “fellowshipped” but never at the heart level, which is where real change can occur. “Our mouth has spoken freely to you, O Corinthians, our heart is opened wide. You are not restrained by us, but you are restrained in your own affections. Now in a like exchange—I speak as to children--open wide to us also” (II Corinthians 6: 11-13)

Grace (acceptance and love) in the midst of shame and addictions can break their powerful hold and words that speak vision reclothe the person for the journey to wholeness.

Gene McConnel’s story of childhood sexual abuse resulting in addictions where he abused himself and others comes to a powerful crises when his old friend and mentor hears his story for the first time. Rather than walk away in disgust or give advice or quote verses, his friend moved toward him and embraced him with tears. Those tears on Gene’s face were the first real taste of grace. This event moved him into a lifetime walk of recovery with people who loved him, held him accountable and believed in him.

7. Be willing to do the work of repentance through the walk of faith

Repentance is a hungry turning to God which leads us into loving relationships with others. We cannot change our past, but we can see how our past has damaged us and how we damage others. Repentance may look like:

Being willing to grieve the losses of the past for a season.

Changing the way we see ourselves as male or female and live out our gender identity with passion.

Experiment with coming out of hiding and relating from our heart.

Risk finding our voice and speaking into the lives of others with love and truth.

Being willing to ask your small group what they think repentance would look like for you.

8. Find hope in the redemptive nature of pain and suffering in the hands of a good

God.

The story of Joseph shows how God can turn the evil intentions of others into good. Have you lived long enough to see God do something wonderful in your life as you address the past and walk in recovery? Remember Dorie’s story and how God has taken her all over the world to tell of His love and care for her.

This ministry came out of my personal pain in marriage. In l985 I (Sandy) woke up to the loneliness in our marriage and, my longing for intimacy. I wrote Bill a letter daring to ask for what I longed for. He did not respond. He told me much later that he had no idea what I was talking about. That did it. I felt like I was falling apart when actually I was grieving the loss of the dreams I had had for our marriage. He finally saw me, decided I needed counseling and for some strange reason decided to go with me. That was the beginning of our relationship with Dan Allender. It was out of relationship with him that this ministry began. For thirty eight years I struggled in a marriage where I longed for more. We were” doing the best we knew how” but were missing the way our pasts were being lived out in our present relationship in damaging, distancing ways. God was pursuing us for change.

9. Enjoying the reality of being a beloved child of the King, all beautiful within (Psalm 45: 10-15. This will mean we must discard the shame image coming out of abuse.

Resting in the love of God will eventually bring you a security and peace that can deal with the disappointments of life and help you in giving up defensiveness and sinful ways of coping with the tensions of life. The small group can be a taste of the love of God and woo you to trust Him. And then love can flow from your hearts to others.

I (Sandy) have moved from knowing God, trusting Him and His word to seeing myself as one who wants to dance with God. At a seminar several years ago, I was enjoying some upbeat music, tapping my foot and moving my head. It occurred to me that I was the only one that I could see was tapping a foot. I wondered if there was something the matter with me, if my feet just weren’t sanctified. A picture filled my mind. I was at a dance. In the fifties when I grew up, the high school had “sock hops” every Friday night after the football games. The girls would dance with the girls and the boys cut in. In my mental picture, I was dancing and someone came up and tapped me on the shoulder to dance. It was Jesus. He wanted to dance with me.

I have looked at the picture of the little child on the lap of Jesus and it does not speak to me. I don’t remember being on anyone’s lap. I do feel very much like an adult. But dancing speaks to me of joy, being led in a dance, needing to follow, celebration and non sexual intimacy. My mourning has been changed to dancing, enjoying the embrace of God. This is change.

For further study consider reading The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. How People Grow, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Both are biblical and an important part of your journey

SESSION 9

GROUP QUESTIONS:

Where are you in the journey of recovery?

1. Have you come into the light? What stories still need to be told? In other words: Have you been honest about the past!

2. Have you grieved over the past and remained tender toward yourself about what happened?

3. How have the following been places where the Lord is not allowed into your heart: Rule keeping, perfectionism, obsessions, demands that others change, control, legalism and addictions.

4. What false messages did you believe as a child? Write them down.

5. How have abusive people in your past tainted your view of God?

What will you do about that?

6. Who are you asking to speak truth into your life these days?

7. What change would you like to see in your life? Ask for prayer about that.

8. What was the hardest disciplinary thing that happened in your life?

9. What part has spiritual warfare played in your life?

10. Who have you opened your heart to?

11. Whose life has been wooed to God because of yours?